


I'll Never Lose You Again

by thegirlwithnofreckles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Big Brothers, Destiel - Freeform, Emotions, Holy Fire, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Sam Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, Love Confessions, M/M, Other, Protective Dean Winchester, Protective Gabriel, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-19
Updated: 2013-08-19
Packaged: 2017-12-24 01:49:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/933723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwithnofreckles/pseuds/thegirlwithnofreckles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is forced to choose between Sam and Cas. What will he do? Will he be able to choose between his little brother and the love of his life?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Never Lose You Again

I am at a bar, trying to drink away my problems. Problems I can’t handle anymore. A brother who keeps blaming himself all the time, a friend – I’m not even sure what he is anymore- who keeps betraying me. But I know they don’t mean it. I know Sammy doesn’t want to hurt me. I know that. He is just taking all the blame to himself because he doesn’t want me to blame myself. But why wouldn’t I?

I was the one who brought him back to this life. He was out. He was happy with Jessica. I was the reason that she died. I took Sammy away from her that night, and he couldn’t protect her. If I hadn’t done that she would be alive and Sammy would stay like that. Happy and normal. Dad would be alive. So yeah it was all my fault but my stupid little brother always blames himself. About everything.

And Cas, he always does what he thinks is right. He always tries to do what’s right for Sammy, for people. For me. He always ends up hurting himself. But he keeps coming back to me. Always. That’s what makes him ‘my angel’. That’s what makes me love him more. The fact that he is loyal to me in every way. He is just too naïve. He doesn’t even get any references for God’s sake. 

I sigh. I don’t even know how I got here. I remember hunting a vampire. I remember Sammy saying something about how he could have save that young woman, how he had the chance and how he had failed. I remember Cas trying to go and hunt the entire nest himself. I remember yelling at him. I remember pushing him against the wall and cursing him. I remember the look on his face.

I know that I hurt his feelings; he was just trying to protect us and do the right thing, again. But he always gets hurt when he tries to do the right thing. He always gets hurt and I don’t want that. Not anymore. I don’t want him out of my sight. I don’t want to lose him, not again. Never again.

It really sucks, loving an angel who can never love you back. It hurts like hell and I know that pain too. But I can’t help it. I don’t even know when I realized I was in love with him. Maybe always I’m not so sure. All I know is that when he says my name, when he invades my personal space, when he tilts his head and looks at me with those deep blue and confused eyes, I forget breathing for a while.

“Do you want another sweetheart?” the bartender asks, looking at my empty glass. She is hot, really hot, but I’m not in the mood. I don’t even look at her while I shake my head. My head is somewhere else, my heart is somewhere else.

I tip her and head for the men’s room when I hear my phone ringing. I feel drunk, my hands are shaking but I finally get my phone out of my jacket. 

It’s Sam. I don’t even know whether to answer or not. I know he is going to yell at me because of my ‘storming out’. I sigh and answer the phone.

“What?” 

“Winchester.” There is another man on the phone, he is not Sam which is enough for me to panic.

“Who is this?” I ask loudly. I open the back door and get out without even thinking.

“Doesn’t matter; tell you what that is one huge brother you got here.” The man says and I can feel him smirk. Fuck.

I try to stay calm. Sam was at the motel when I left. He was safe when I left. “Where is he? Who the fuck are you? Where is my brother?”

“Oh, he is fine. He is here with me. You can see him if you behave.” The man says with a threatening tone.

“Where are you?” I find myself asking.

“At the abandoned factory just outside the town.” He says calmly which only pisses me off. “Come alone or swear I’ll kill them both.”

That’s when I panic. “Them?”

“Oh yeah, the sasquatch and the angel. You know, the one with the trench coat and pretty face?” 

Oh no. I find myself shaking. Kidnapping Sam was one thing but Cas… This guy was just begging for me to kill him.

“I’ll kill you.” I say, I don’t even remember how I got in the car but I’m driving and I’m not even drunk anymore.

The man hangs up and scream loudly, going faster and faster… I park the car and get out instantly. I slam the door open and-

Oh god.

First thing I see is Sam. His hands tied up behind him and he has cuts everywhere. Then I see Cas. I should have seen him first because he is in the middle of holy fire. He is tied up as well. I start running towards him but the man stops me. He is right in front me and I don’t even know how he appeared there. Demon maybe? I could handle a demon.

“Dean, glad you made it.” The man says. He looks amused and happy.

“You son of a-” I jump on him but then I find myself against a wall, I hear Cas shouting my name and I try to move but I cant feel anything, I can’t feel my legs or my arms. I curse loudly.

“Dean, Dean, Dean.” The man warns me. “You and I are going to play a little game. I know you want to just want to hug and kiss your angel. But you can only do it if you play the game.”

I look at Cas who is frowning with concern. His eyes are not leaving mine for a second. 

“You are gonna play the game right?”

I nod. The man laughs out loud. “Of course you are going to play Dean! You have to play. Okay I’m sure you are wondering what this game is so let me explain.” The man step closer to Cas and smirks. I feel like I can throw up. “I’m going to give you… a choice. You are either going to choose your little but not so little brother or… this thing who calls himself an angel; and I’ll kill the other one.”

Shit. This is bad. I can feel my heart skip a beat and I start sweating. I feel the whole world collapsing on me and there is nothing I can do… I can even move my legs. I can’t even find the courage to look at their eyes.

“Not if I kill you first.” I say but I can’t keep my voice from cracking.

“You know you can’t Dean.” He says. He steps more closer to Cas. “He doesn’t even know does he?” 

“What do you mean?” I ask but I damn well know what he means.

“That you are in love with him. You didn’t even tell him how you feel about him and he might die tonight. You can choose him and spend the rest of your life with him. Without Sam.” The man says. His eyes never leaving Cas’.

I hold my breath and look at Cas but he doesn’t look so surprised, he just looks alarmed and angry. He turns to look at me. He opens his mouth to say something but the man stops him.

“Or… you can just choose your little as always and say goodbye to the love of your life.” The man turns to Sam. “So who is it going to be? Your brother or my brother?”

So… an angel. Awesome.

“Go to hell.” I say and try to move again but nothing happens. I am screwed. 

“You are so hard to deals with Dean.” He sighs and turns back to me. “Perhaps this will help you think.” He says and before I can say or do anything both Sam and Cas scream in pain.

Then I realize how fucked this whole thing is.

“Please! Please don’t- don’t hurt them.” I feel tears running slowly down my face but I can’t stop them. I can’t stop begging. “Do whatever you want with me, I won’t fight you, just let them go.”

“That would be too easy, way too easy.” He sighs. “No.” 

They stop screaming but I can still hear them. That will haunt me forever.

“You have a decision to make Dean.” He says and smirks.

I never thought this would happen. I never even know what to do. If it was someone else the decision would be easy. I chose Sam over Adam once and I would do it again but Cas.

Cas.

My mind is screaming at me. Do something, dammit, help them! But I know I can’t. I can’t choose; and I can’t help them. For the first time in my life, I’m useless.

First thirty years of my life had been about Sam. Only Sam. Keep Sammy safe, don’t let the monsters get him, don’t let him be afraid. No one I met had been more important than him, or equal. Until Cas. Cas came into my life like a storm. He made me question my entire being. He showed me that I could love someone more than the life itself. He remade me. He is the reason I keep doing what I’m doing. He is the reason I’m still alive.

And now I can’t even help him. I can’t even look at him. He knows now, that I love him. But he doesn’t know how much I care about him. He doesn’t know the thing I would do to keep him safe, to make him smile, to make him happy.

He is not the love of my life. That’s way too simple. He is my reason for existing. 

“Tick-tock, Dean…” the man says with an amused tone. Everyone in the room expects me to say something, anything.

“Dean just choose Sam and get out of here, this is taking too long!” Cas says and I look at him with confused eyes.

How could he ask something like that? How could he expect me to say yes to his death? I have never felt more angry in my entire life. That selfless son a bitch! 

“Shut up Cas! You are not gonna die.” Sam says, he sounds angry.

Oh awesome. Like this was necessary. 

“But-” Cas starts to say something but I can’t bear to hear him again.

“Shut up the both of you!” I shout and everyone looks at me, expecting.

“Take your time Dean, but if you don’t choose, I’m going to kill them both and you are going to miss the opportunity to save one of them.” the man warns me again.

This is too much. I’ve already seen them die, more than once… Every time they died a piece of me died with them but it didn’t come back with them. 

I was broken. 

I feel really tired and I want this to be over but it won’t unless I choose one of them. I know Cas wants me to choose Sam and get the hell out of here. Be safe, happy. Like that’s possible without him. 

And know Sam wants me to choose Cas and save him. I know he doesn’t want me to lose him, I know he doesn’t want me to feel the pain that he had felt when Jess died.

But I just can’t choose. We are family. I love them both, I need them both. I can’t live without them. I know I would survive without Sam. I had before. But I wouldn’t survive without Cas. I was never able to survive without him.

But I won’t let myself say that out loud. I won’t let myself say yes to my brother’s death. I’ll die first.

“Maybe I should just kill both of them.” the man says and turns his back to me.

“No!” I shout. “Please stop! Okay, okay. I’ll choose!”

He turns to me with wide eyes. “Okay, well I’ll give you couple more minutes.”

I look at Sam who is looking at me with understanding eyes. I cry again. I won’t let him get hurt, I won’t. But I won’t let Cas get hurt either.  
Just when I start to lose my hope completely I hear a familiar voice. “I thought brothers would protect each other.”

I frown. For a moment I thought he was talking to me.

“Gabriel.” The man barks. He takes a step back. I feel hope rising in my chest.

Gabriel starts circling around him and the man looks so scared so frightened. I sigh in relief. The archangels were stronger than the other angels, they could kill them with a snap of their fingers. Literally.

“Nathaniel.” Gabriel says the mans name like a threat. 

Nathaniel sighs. “How did you find me?”

Gabriel smirks. “I knew you were jealous of my favorite brother here” he points at Cas. “so I tracked you down. I knew you were gonna do something stupid.”

“You know exactly why I’m doing this!” Nathaniel shouts. “He is the one who put Michael and Lucifer to the cage, he is the one who chanced our destiny.” He looks at Dean. “And they helped him. Castiel help him. He is the one who betrayed not me!”

I see Cas’ hurt face and I can’t stand it anymore. I shout out with anger. 

Gabriel looks at me calmly and turns back to Nathaniel. “Free them.”

“No!”

“Free them or I will kill you Nathaniel!” Gabriel shouts and he takes out his angel blade.

“No.” Nathaniel whispers. But then he screams when Gabriel stabs him in the heart. He falls down, his eyes are open and lifeless. There are two  
wings shaped on the floor.

I move my legs and my arms. I gasp in pain when I try to walk.

Gabriel snaps his fingers and Sam is free. He snaps them again and the holy fire disappears. Cas looks around himself. But he is still tied up.

Before Gabriel can do anything I run towards Cas and kneel behind him and untie him. When he is free he turns to me and looks at me with unreadable eyes. I pull him into a tight hug. He relaxes and rests his head on my shoulder. I whisper some comforting words because he is shaking violently. 

“Dean, shhh…” Cas says, holding me tighter. Only then I realize that I am the one who is shaking and sobbing.

I stop crying and let go of him. I stare at him for a moment before rushing to Sam. He hugs me tightly but not as long as Cas did. He pats my back and steps back.

I wipe away my tears. I’m never going to let Sam blame himself. I’m never going to let Cas out of my sight even if he doesn’t feel the same way about me. And I’m never going to let myself lose them. Never.

“Thank you, really.” I turn to Gabriel who is hugging Cas. He lets Cas go and pats my shoulder.

“I wouldn’t let my two favorite human and one favorite brother get hurt. I was a bit late but-” Gabriel says but Cas interrupts him.

“Thank you.” He says, he looks grateful and happy.

Gabriel zaps us back to the motel room. He says he’s got things to do and flies away but not before grinning at Cas.

I sit on my bed, my eyes never leaving Cas or Sam. I’m scared that they would disappear if I look away.

Sam sighs and grabs his jacket. “I’ll go get some umm-” he stops and looks at me. “you know, stuff.” He says quickly and literally runs out of the room.

I sigh. Sam could be a real pain in the ass. In my ass.

“Are you okay?” I ask Cas once we are alone. That bastard had beaten Sam up and I don’t want to think what he might have done to Cas.

“Yes, I’m just surprised.” He says and sits next to me, he is so close, way too close; but I don’t mind of course.

“Why?” I ask feeling uneasy.

“You didn’t deny your love for me.” He says with a knowing smile on his face. “When Nathaniel said that I was the love of your life.”

Shit. I know I’m going to say it and ruin everything but I can’t hold back anymore. Not after tonight. So I move closer to him. He doesn’t step back.

“You are more than that.” I whisper. I can barely hear my own voice but I know he hears it. I know that he can even hear my heart beat right now which is faster than anything else in the whole universe.

“So you love me?” he asks, there is hope in his voice and his eyes are pleading.

Oh fuck it.

“More than anything else.” I’ve never been more sure about something in my entire life.

He smiles and moves closer to me, our noses touching and our breaths fast. He rests his forehead against mine and my heart skips a beat. I’m lost. I’m done. 

“You are my reason for existing.” He whispers and my eyes start to burn. I close them and I breath him, my hands find the back of his neck and I pull him even more closer. 

He tastes like life.


End file.
